I spent the last two weeks of the summer waiting not-so-patiently for school to start again and for things to get back to normal. I concocted elaborate daydreams about family dinners where my family sits around a table bathed in warm golden light. The table is laid with healthy, delicious food and everyone (even the 3-year-old) laughingly recounts amusing anecdotes from their day. The house is clean (because I have time to do that now) and I have magically lost 25 lbs and found an entirely new and glamorous wardrobe (hey - it's my daydream!).
The reality is a little more grim. I failed to take several big transitions into account. Andrew is six weeks into a new job that has effectively tripled his commute. At the same time (because he has better access to reasonably priced grocery stores) he has taken over doing all of the groceries, necessitating a weekly menu plan. While this works in theory, it has yet to succeed in practice, so I typically have produce OR meat OR canned goods in the house, but have yet to achieve all three in the house at the same time. This leads to some ... interesting ... meals.
Mischief has just started SK, and was really really excited to go back. Her best friend is in her class along with several of her classmates from last year, and she has the same teacher. The problem seems to be that her school has adopted full-day kindergarten this year, so she's having to transition from being at school for 2 hours and 45 minutes per day to being there for 6.5 hours. She has spent the last two weeks crying at the drop of a hat, and being SO clingy that I'm thinking about changing her nickname from Mischief to Limpet. I've talked to her teacher about it, and she seems happy enough at school, but at home she's just misery personified, and earlier bedtime doesn't seem to be helping.
Then there's Trouble. Never has a child been so aptly nicknamed. I had another beautiful daydream about the two of us spending quality time together once Mischief was back in school and figuring out potty training and doing classes and running through fields of flowers holding hands and laughing. Of those things, the potty training is the only one that seems to be working out, and that's ALL Trouble and very little me. His behaviour lately just makes me want to cry. When he's happy, he's the sweetest little kid you've ever seen, but when he's angry... well, let's just say that although Captain America is his favourite Avenger, in real life he does a better job emulating The Hulk. There's screaming - endless screaming - and hitting and kicking and throwing things. And screaming. He screams that he wants you over and over and over. When you give in and go to him, he screams at you to go away. If you go away, he screams for you to come back. If you go to him despite his demands for you to leave, he throws things at you and hits. When he gets really mad, he bites. I've tried ignoring the behaviour. I've tried punishing it, I've tried appeasing it, I've even tried bribery. Nothing works, and I'm really at my wits' end.
This whole "bad mommy" thing was pretty tongue-in-cheek, because I really feel that we're all doing our absolute best as parents and I was irritated at the whole "better-mom-than-thou" vibe I was getting, but my inability to work through this behaviour thing with Trouble really DOES leave me feeling like a bad parent. I feel so helpless and ANGRY and embarrassed when he acts out and I can't immediately put an end to it, and then I feel guilty for being angry with a three year old. Then he throws a car at me and I'm angry again. I recognize that it's probably a phase, and that he's going through a big transition too - getting used to the absence of his sister all day is a big change. But I've been around a large number of women with small boys, and not one of them has ever said to me, "you know, my son has turned into a raging little violent monster and since they don't make straightjackets small enough for toddlers (*), I just don't know what to do with him." I wish just one of them had said something like that - I wouldn't feel so alone in this.
Anyway. School has been back for two weeks, and my beautiful daydream of a perfect home-life has yet to manifest. I think I'll give it another two weeks, and then I'll have to revise.
* I don't know if they DO make toddler-sized straightjackets. Although I've lovingly caressed the idea when Trouble was mid-tantrum, I've never ACTUALLY looked into it.
I read this eager to get to the part where you're a bad Mommy because you've been playing Portal instead of spending time with your kids. Alas, I guess it's not *that* cake that's a lie!
ReplyDeleteNow that I've been flippant about it I feel I need to say something serious. When my oldest was three I was also dealing with guilt over marriage breakdown and only having half custody, so I got through that period by flat-out spoiling him when he was with me. That lasted until he was about five, I think, although some details about that period are a little vague in my mind (probably a coping mechanism). I don't remember a raging violent monster, but hey, not all three-year-olds are the same, right? I do remember my Mom giving me a copy of "Raising Your Spirited Child", which helped, and as well as the usual Barbara Coloroso I quite like the book "The Way of Boys", by Anthony Rao. That's if you like to tackle problems at the library, that is, which is my go-to source of comfort and avoidance.
Also, Portal is an awesome game and you should totally play it if you have the chance, even if you don't like video games. But watch out - the cake is a lie!