"Because I said so."

I'm going to steal from Jaimie's last post for a sec. She mentioned that she avoids using "Because I said so" as reasons for getting her kids to comply with her requests/demands/needs.

I remember those days. Once upon a time, I too had a 2- and 4-year-old. I had lofty non-coercive parenting goals that involved raising my children to feel like they were consulted and included in decision-making processes, and that our household decisions were reached more respectfully and collaboratively.

And then I realized something: I was giving my kids WAY too many choices. Even as I was asking them for their help with cleaning up after themselves, I was offering them the option to opt out of the process entirely. By allowing every situation to devolve into conversation, I was leaving myself too tired to assert that shit still needed doing, regardless of how they felt about it.

I was also encouraging them to question me every time I needed them to do something. Sometimes, there isn't a need to ask me why I need something done. Sometimes, you just have to do it because it needs to be done.

If I tell one of my kids I need them to strip the beds/rinse and stack the dishes/collect all the socks from the living room floor, "Why?" is not required, and if it's asked, "Because I said so" is entirely reasonable. To be fair, I generally prefer, "Because it needs to be done," but I'm still using a very closed-ended response that does not invite further debate.

We are one adult and two pre-teens. While I am far from a neatnik, you can well imagine that the bulk of the mess generated in my household does not originate with me.  As important as it is for me to have my children grow up to feel love and respected, it is equally important for them to develop a sense of responsibility regarding their own actions. I do not want my children to grow up with a sense of entitlement, that someone else will pick up after them/clean up their messes/make their lives easier. I think that does all of us a disservice. I also don't want that feeling of respect to be one-way. Yes, my language choices model to them what I hope to see them use with others. But my expectation of their respectful treatment of me is also modeling to them what they should be doing (and expecting from others) in the context of the bigger world.